Dean's journal
by poetic heart 75
Summary: Dean reflects on his feelings about "the deal"
1. Chapter 1

Entry 1:

Have you ever done something that you regret? Regret seems to be my middle name. See, I was born a Winchester and we were born cursed. At least I think we were born cursed. Nothing has gone right a day in my life. How many kids at the age of 5 are told by their father that they have to watch out for their younger brother while he goes out on a hunt and may not be back? He always came back, but that's a lot to put on a young kid who is not even old enough to take care of himself. One minute, you're playing G.I Joe and watching Saturday morning cartoons and the next, you're preparing meals and helping your younger brother get dressed. Sometimes I wonder why my father even had us kids. He never acted like a real dad. We were soldiers in training for the war. He trained us in skills we never understood at that age. Not many kids need to learn how to shoot guns and throw knives. It's not an every day skill most young kid's need.

Why not just leave us with one of mom's relatives or one of his relatives? Then he could be free to run and chase as many demons and ghosts as he wants without worrying that his kids could get caught up in it and sacrificed. I guess he didn't want to drag anyone else into this war he was fighting. The fewer people that knew about the battle with mom's killer, the better off they were.

I guess it's ironic how the shoe is now on the other foot. I'm in Dad's role now that he is gone and I'm still watching out for my pain in the ass younger brother. But, he's all the family I have. I guess that's why he's so hell bent on trying to save me from my crazy ass choice I made.

See, awhile back, I had a choice. I could sit back and watch Sam die and just accept that death happens and he was going to be in a better place and fight this crazy demon war alone or I could save his life and make the ultimate sacrifice like our father did for me. I couldn't just watch my brother die and accept that death happens. I didn't want to fight the crazy ass demon war alone. So, I made the ultimate sacrifice and sold my soul to save Sam. Part of me says I did it because I'm selfish and I didn't want to be left all by myself and part of me says I did it because I love my brother and I wanted something better for him. But, how can my leaving in a year be better for him? Now he gets to watch me go down the same way I watched dad die and could do nothing to help him out of it. I guess they call that survivor's guilt. I survived and he didn't so I'm guilty for being alive and living the life he wanted to.

Well, his last words to me were to save Sam and if I couldn't save him, I'd have to kill him. So, I tried to save him and this was the only choice I had. Now that I've seen what's on the other side, I'm not sure I want it anymore. I don't want to die and go to hell. Yeah, it may be a little late to have that revelation, but we're Winchesters. We always find a way to survive. Right?

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the familiar sound of the Impala pulling up in front of the 100th hotel. Another day, another fight. We're on another case. This one is right outside of Cleveland, Ohio. Apparently, farmers are going missing and we're here to try to figure out what's going on with it.

Sam: "Hey Dean, we're here."

He nudges me awake and I open my eyes.

Dean: "Farm town USA. My personal favorite place to come hang out. You think we'll run into Clark Kent out here?"

Sam: "Must you be a smart ass all the time?"

He gives me the appropriate eye roll and attempts to stretch out his huge tall body. He'd been driving awhile and I imagine he's probably cramped since I was sleeping pretty well. I decide to go see if I can get us a room so we can set up base camp and get a feeling for what's out there waiting for us. A little old lady behind the counter greets me with a huge smile.

Old Lady: "Welcome to the Blue Rose Hotel. How can I help you?"

Dean: "I'd like a room, please. Two beds."

I give her one of the 100 credit cards we have and she takes it along with my ID.

Old Lady: "Yes Mr. Kripke, we have a room for you. You're in Room 118."

Dean: "Thank you."

She hands me back my ID and credit card and I sign for the keys.

Old Lady: "Have a nice stay."

Dean: "Thank you."

Sam is unloading stuff from the car. I open the hotel room door and go to help carry some stuff before he starts bitching about my not helping him.

Sam: "You got two room keys this time?"

Dean: "Yeah. That little old lady is sweet on me."

Sam: "Ok, gross. I don't want to hear about your old lady cougar love."

Dean: "No. I leave that one all to you, little brother."

I pat him on the shoulder and plop down on the bed by the door. It feels good to just sit here a few minutes and take my boots off.

Sam: "Oh, you're just full of jokes today aren't you."

He sets up his computer on the table.

Dean: "So, what's the deal with Farmer John and his boys going missing?"

Sam: "Well, according to this, there have been four different farmers that have gone missing within the past week or so. None have been found. No ransom demands or anything. No history of drinking or wandering off because of old age or anything like that. Just normal guys like you and I."

I got up and wandered over to the window. I mind as well get a feel for what we're getting into. God, we must be in the sleepiest of little farm towns. Nothing but miles and miles of corn fields and houses are so far spaced out that you'd probably have to send out a flare to get someone's attention. I bet the bar action out here sucks out loud.

Dean: "Maybe the old farm life got boring and they wanted to find something more exciting to do in another part of the world."

Sam: "Yeah, but Farmer Robertson has a wife and two kids. Why would he abandon his family and his farm?"

Dean: "The farm is his way of making a living and providing for his wife and kids. He could've had a fight with the Mrs."

Sam: "Yeah. But, four different guys with the same story? They can't all have had fights with their wives and decided to run away to parts unknown."

Dean: "And this is our kind of an investigation how? This sounds more like an FBI case then a Supernatural case."

Sam: "I'm getting to the part where it involves us. Mrs. Robertson claims that Mr. Robertson was out in the barn talking to the family cow. Apparently, he went out there to get some milk and when he came back into the house he wasn't acting like himself."

Dean: "The cow made him leave his family?"

Sam: "She said he kept talking about a war and needing to prepare for it. He was going to fight the war. He's been missing for four weeks. Mr. Johnson on the other had, apparently found 3 sixes burned into his corn field like crop circles and got freaked out. He's afraid that the apocalypse is coming and he's going to be the only man not ready for it."

Dean: "Oh my God, this backwoods country inbreeding is getting to these guys heads."

Sam: "Mr. Johnson abandons his whole place all together. He doesn't want to get caught by the white eyed monsters that are descending on us."

Dean: "White eyed monsters?"

Sam: "Yeah. That's what was put in the report. He's considered a loony tune and they want to lock him up in a padded cell."

Dean: "The guy talking to the family cow isn't considered crazy but this guy is."

Sam: "He saw one of the white eyed monsters in his corn field one night. He claims that's who put the 3 sixes in his corn field."

Dean: "Are you serious? Dude, this is straight out of the tabloid newspapers. Crop circles and talking cows?"

Sam: "These all have the same theme. They all claim to have left to fight a war and they all claim to have seen the same white eyed monster."

Dean: "So, why hasn't the white eyed monster taken the entire family? Why just the men?"

Sam: "I haven't got that far in the research."

Meanwhile, across town at another farm.

Mom: "I'll clear the table."

Daughter: "All right mom. I'm going up to bed."

Mom clears the dinner dishes off the table and puts them in the sink to start washing. Dad is out in the barn fixing a tractor that has blown it's engine. Suddenly, there is a loud racket that catches Dad's attention.

Dad: "Marla?"

He gets up to investigate the noise and is greeted by a loud "moo" from the family cow.

Dad: "Elsie, it's just you. I thought Marla was coming to check on us. You need your water bucket filled again?"

The cow makes another "moo" and he pats her side affectionately as he gets the water bucket and goes to fill it. On his way back to the barn, a teenage girl approaches him.

Dad: "Well, hi there young lady. Can I help you with something?"

The teenage girl smiles a friendly smile and he takes off his trucker hat out of gentlemen respect for the lady.

Lady: "Are you Henry Edison?"

Dad: "Why, yes I am Henry Edison. Whom do I have the pleasure of welcoming to my farm?"

Lady: "My name is Lilth. I just moved in to the farm down the street. I was wondering if I could maybe borrow a bag of chicken feed until tomorrow. I'll be sure to replace it just as soon as I can."


	2. Chapter 2

Dad: "Why sure Little Lady. Come on, I'll get it for you."

She follows Dad into the barn. Once the two are alone inside, the girl's eyes turn white and there is a bright flash of light. Dad yells and walks out of the barn, but Lilth is gone and there is no sign of her ever even being around the place. He walks zombie like into the farm house where Mom is washing dishes at the kitchen sink. He looks scared to death.

Mom: "Henry, I heard a yell. Is everything all right?"

Dad: "Don't worry about it Marla. We've got to prepare for the war. Those White Eyed Monsters are everywhere."

Mom: "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Dad: "You protect the kids. I have to go fight the war."

He looks her in the face, but his eyes are not meeting her eyes. His coloring is pale like he just saw a ghost or something.

Mom: "You look strange. Are you all right? What's wrong with you?"

Dad: "They're mind controlling us, Marla. We're all brainwashed by the White Eyed Monsters. Nobody is safe. I have to protect my family."

He goes running upstairs to get his gun.

Marla: "You're scaring me. What are you talking about? There are no White Eyed Monsters here. You're going to be all right. Just calm down."

Henry: "I have to kill that girl before she makes any more monsters."

She steps in front of him to stop him from leaving the house with his gun and it doesn't even phase him. He robotically just pushes passed her like she's not even there or speaking to him.

Marla: "You're not shooting any girl. Henry, stop."

She physically grabs him and his eyes go white. He lifts her off the ground without even touching her and she flies across the room into the wall. Breaking every bone in her body on impact.

Henry: "It's for the best, honey. I have bigger plans for us."

He walks out the front door with his shot gun in hand in search of the girl that Lilth had possessed. Now, inside Henry.


End file.
